Comments for Chronic Enabler

Comments for
Chronic Enabler

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Dec 07, 2010
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Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your story. I am new at all this. Is leaving the person you enable the only answer?

Apr 28, 2010
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I recognize myself in your story
by: Bonnie

Hi Cindy:

How similar your story is to mine and to so many other women who think that if we just keep giving more that it will all work out.

We use ourselves up and then cannot understand why the people that we have been taking care of do not recognize and respond to our needs.

I am almost 2 years out of a 30 year old marriage where I thought that if I kept giving and changing that I would be enough for my husband and that we would both be happy. After years and years of being unhappy, telling him that we needed help and being ignored, I finally got out. The changes I have made in my life are astounding and the fact that the world doesn't stop spinning when I tell people "NO" when they ask for help is a simple but profound revelation.

I think we are programmed from a young age to be "nice" and that those of us with strong maternal instincts can run amuck with being "nice" to the point that we are everyone's doormat and are allowing ourselves to be used up.

It ultimately comes down to being responsible for our own feelings and not feeling guilty for having them.

Your post resonated with me and I thank you for sparking the dialogue.

Apr 21, 2010
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Thank You
by: E

Hi Cindy,
Thank you for your inspiration. I broke off my relationship tonight because I realized that I was neglecting my life and trying to control his and it's not the first time. I feel like a dirt bag for breaking up with him, he's in the middle of dealing with his 2nd DUI sentence and his mom's having a lot of health issues that he's completely unprepared to deal with. He's the nicest, kindest person I've ever dated and he treats me like gold. I just don't like who I've turned into since we started seeing each other and I don't want to resent him for it. I feel like maybe there's something to be learned from being IN it for me, but at the same time I don't want to realize 5 years from now that there wasn't really, that I was just addicted to him because he drinks like my dad and I still need to prove my worthiness or whatever.
I'm relieved for the most part. I didn't like hurting him, he didn't see it coming. We had a great day together and then I dropped it on him at dinner. I wish I could make him understand how unhealthy it feels from here and how many of my decisions are based on what's happening in his life and with his mom. I want to be his friend and I don't mind helping him with some things as long as I don't feel 'responsible' for them or him and as long as the 'helping out' is mutual. I don't want to 'own' his recovery (he hasn't had a drink in 4 months) or feel responsible if he falls off the wagon.
I've had a suspicion that if I could find the strength to walk away that he'd be more likely to get the help he really needs. Your post gives me hope that he will. Thank you.

Mar 16, 2010
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Response to Chronic Enabler
by: Kathleen D. Cone

Thank you Cindy!

For writing this comment. Your strength of character has given me hope. What a wonderful and caring person you really are. I'm not saying that in a superficial way. I'm thinking about how if you had been afforded a healthier childhood yourself, what an amazingly goood hearted and kind person you are.

Yes I can very much relate to your commment, subsituting my own unique circumstances to the stories you told, but reaping from this hope that moving forward in life means moving beyond enabling.

But I just wanted you to know that the real person inside of you is one heck of a compassionate, kind, caring and genuinely outstanding person.

Enabling as I read in Don's first definition is not a negative thing, until it becomes a negative form of enabling....

but being a person that cares enough to want to help someone else is admirable.. I'm sorry it turned out the way it did.

But, by your example I see that I can break the cycle of enabling (at least with myself and others) and understand it in the meantime, so I can do my best to feel good about myself regardless.

You have kids so I don't doubt we will have more cnversations in the future on the 'internet of the mind' as they continue to grow and you are dealing with how everything effected them and you...

I'm working hard to overcome and would love to be able to be here for you, the way you were here for me in my time of need, just by posting this comment on 'internet of the mind'...

Thank you so very much, Kathy

Mar 15, 2010
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RIGHT ON THE MARK
by: Anonymous

Good for you. You are absolutely right.

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