Childhood Development of Codependency

by Billy
(Myrtle Beach, SC)

After being in a continual process of recovery for the past 14 years using therapy, books, and 12 step programs such as CoDA, A.A., & S.L.A.A. I still find myself reacting to the debilitating fear from with in that is seemingly brought upon my external environment of people, places, and things.

I cognitively know better as to that, these externals are no more than a catalyst in most cases that are triggering deeply seated childhood fears. I know that these fears originated in growing up in a household where my father was the alcoholic and my mother the enabling codependent as they both came from alcoholic households themselves.

I have found these fears rearing there ugly heads currently in the form of my LTR with my significant other, in that if he gives me just the right amount of affection, attention, positive reinforcement along with the right amount and kind of sex that I am perfectly content, carefree, and happy. When these things fall below my acceptable level it sets off panic alarms that start to analyze everything and everyone in my environment as if to protect me from "them", truth is told I now realize that the problem originates within me and not them.

My definition of insanity is being a cognizant recovering adult in my mind while my fearful wounded inner child is reacting and self-sabotaging everything it can in the name of self-protection. I am seeking to accept and understand what it is that would bring me relief from the living nightmare of fear and codependency that engulfs my every waking thought and feeling.


Be well,
Billy