can't let go...

by suki
(Colorado Springs, CO, USA)

My bf is emotionally cold and sometimes abusive. He has been abusing drugs since he was 15 and he is 57. I'm putting stuff in storage and breaking up with him, but having such a hard time with it. I've left people before and it was never this devastating. Living with him has deeply eroded my self esteem. He doesn't listen, forgets, interrupts, ignores, downplays my feelings and opinions. If I injure myself he says nothing. He tells me he loves me but I feel all he has is contempt for me. In the three years since we've been together he has barely modified anything in order to get along with me. He constantly wakes me up in the night being noisy, etc. He has never given me a birthday or Xmas present on time. Why do I still care about him. I feel insane and my family and friends think I'm stupid and pathetic for sticking it out this long. He also speaks to me either sarcastically or like I'm a child or with contempt, while we both know that I'm smarter than he is. Not being snotty, it's just I still have my memory and thought processes which his drug use has destroyed. I guess I don't know what I'm looking for in answer. Just still in pain.

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Aug 09, 2012
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To Suki
by: Angie Carter

Sounds like you're experiencing a lot of difficult feelings as you try to make the break. Sometime when we are in dysfunctional relationships and want to end them, yet at the same time find it hard to do so and move on there are very real reasons at the core of it.
It can be similar to an alcoholic or addict that wants to break free of their addiction because they KNOW it's harmful but they just feel like they can't do it, or if they do achieve abstinence they feel yucky, long for the substance, or are constantly thinking about it.
Some people are in dysfunctional relationships because of childhood of origin issues, which can be a complex and involved process of uncovering, discovering and understanding the reasons we are drawn to and remain in the kinds of relationships we are in. But trust me, there ARE reasons. I have done a lot of work on myself in this area and help others with it as well.
I also attend an Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families support group which help me to understand my core and the root causes of why I am the way I am. Talk about FREEDOM! Today I know who I am and why I do the things I do. With that kind of understanding I can do something different. I also feel different because a lot of healing has taken place.
Understanding your inner landscape is critical in changing the way our lives are. Don has a lot of good information on this site about the inner child and understanding why we are the way we are. I encourage you to watch the Iceberg Model presentation. It has helped thousands of people understand the effects of their upbringing. The book THAW also does a great job of introducing a person to their inner landscape.
There are many resources available in order to help us get started on the inner journey of discovering ourselves. Take advantage of these things as you transition into your new lifestyle! I think you would benefit a great deal from it.

Aug 09, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
To Suki
by: Angie Carter

Sounds like you're experiencing a lot of difficult feelings as you try to make the break. Sometime when we are in dysfunctional relationships and want to end them, yet at the same time find it hard to do so and move on there are very real reasons at the core of it.
It can be similar to an alcoholic or addict that wants to break free of their addiction because they KNOW it's harmful but they just feel like they can't do it, or if they do achieve abstinence they feel yucky, long for the substance, or are constantly thinking about it.
Some people are in dysfunctional relationships because of childhood of origin issues, which can be a complex and involved process of uncovering, discovering and understanding the reasons we are drawn to and remain in the kinds of relationships we are in. But trust me, there ARE reasons. I have done a lot of work on myself in this area and help others with it as well.
I also attend an Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families support group which help me to understand my core and the root causes of why I am the way I am. Talk about FREEDOM! Today I know who I am and why I do the things I do. With that kind of understanding I can do something different. I also feel different because a lot of healing has taken place.
Understanding your inner landscape is critical in changing the way our lives are. Don has a lot of good information on this site about the inner child and understanding why we are the way we are. I encourage you to watch the Iceberg Model presentation. It has helped thousands of people understand the effects of their upbringing. The book THAW also does a great job of introducing a person to their inner landscape.
There are many resources available in order to help us get started on the inner journey of discovering ourselves. Take advantage of these things as you transition into your new lifestyle! I think you would benefit a great deal from it.

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