Can enabelers ever be fixed?

by Renee
(villa park IL.)

I have been totaly betrayed,lied to, and decieved by my partner of 6 years. He has enabeled his drug addicted son who has not worked for more than a month in the past 4 years. His son has been in to drugs since jr hi. Has not held down a job over 4 months since high school. Never had a full time job for more than 3 months in his life. He is now going to be 25 in a few months. His son has through the years ruined the relationships of everyone he has stayed with. His father has been desperate to have anyonetake him in. Calling anyone who he can think of to take his son in. His eldest son did for a time. He harrassed his youngest son repetedly to have his older brother live with him. His mother, and siblings. His son has lived on the streets, when his father could no longer afford to put him in a hotel. His father is 50 and has nothing. When we first started dating he assured me he was stable. Little did I know he had years worth of credit card debt, and a huge car loan and nothing to show for any of it. He had filed bankruptsy and was once again heavily in the debt I found him in. He hid this from me for years. The boys mother shipped him out to live in my home with out my knowledge twice. His grand parents shipped him out to my home as well. The last time he lasted almost a year in my home refusing to follow any of my rules or be a responsible adult. I kicked him out. His father has been supporting him for the past 4 years behind my back. I helped his father by encouraging him to pay off his debt while living in my home. This was not my initial intention. He was to split expences and assured me he would have no problem with his living expences. After years of paying off his debt he was finally able to buy a home with me and aquire a loan. I have handled all of the finances since I found out about his debt. He was required to deposit a set amount in to a joint account and I would pay the bills from this account. He had a very generous amount of money each month for gas, spending money and lunches. He was always broke? Always using the joint account for every expense he encountered. I questioned him often about this. I knew he was sending money to his herion addicted son. Putting him up in hotels, paying for food and drugs. He would run out at all hours to send him money by western union. Often a few times a week. I could no longer take it and we went in to counseling. He started going to FA meetings and he seemed stronger then ever in telling his son NO. 3 months ago his son showed up at my job with a suit case expecting me to welcome him with open arms. I was crazy with anger and called his dad and said get him out of here and dont bring him home, dont even tell him where we live. His son had just traveled half way across the U.S. by bus seemingly with out his fathers knowledge. He put him up in a hotel and then in to a halfway house. His son had claimed to have been clean for months. Did jail time for assult, broke his girlfriends jaw and stabbed her in the leg with a pen. Then went in to a 30 day program. Myself or my family wanted nothing to do with him. My partner behind my back found him a place to live with a very good friend of mine for $300 a month. Our counslor went over strict insturctions about enabeling his son any longer. NO MORE MONEY! I was told his son had a job and was doing really well. Then I was told his son had been laid off. But got a job that same day that started in 1 week. Until then he was taking a bus trip to see his mom 2 days away. Then he was comming back to start his new union job. I was told he started his new job and it was going great and he was looking for a studio instead of living in a rooming house that his son had found himself. A few days ago, I get multiple calls from my friends husband at my job. When I return to work I am told to call. My whole world exploded and I was in shock. He never had a job, my partner had been paying his rent food,and for cigarettes and drugs. While his son slept in till up to 3 in the afternoon. Never went to look for jobs unless his dad came and pryed him off the couch. The husband of the friend who took him in is on disability and has a pharmacy of medications. His son would steal the meds and make my partner pay him for what was missing. He also gave the kid stuff when he could no longer tolerate his begging. Then tell the father he needed to pay him back. His son stole the medications and the man ended up in the hospital for 2 days recoverying. They kicked him out. As far as I know the kid went back to a free facility. But my partner was hitting the joint account again so I knew he was broke. All along I am led to believe the kid is finally working doing fine. Come to find out He shipped him back out west because the police were after him. Then it comes up the kid also stole credit cards and tried to activate them from my friends husband. Another report was filed. They went up to my other house up north and broke in to get some things he had left 4 years ago. At the same time renewed his drivers license to MY homes address! I am so done. I know I sound so gullable. I am not the only one he carried on the same stories to my family and friends. Is this father so sick he can never be fixed?

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Mar 08, 2012
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I know I can't fix him
by: Anonymous

Don,
Thank you so much for your comments. I have no intention of trying to fix. My ex. I did how ever kick him out when I found out all of the lies and deciet that had been going on behind my back. I know after finding all of this out I could never trust him. Every thing that this man did to me was done behind my back. Every thing I found out that he did for his son was found out after the fact. As far as I knew for the past 2 years he had not been sending his son money. Yes, I do admit I had enabeled my ex for the years I allowed him to continue to run out at all hours sending him money. Huge fights followed each time he would leave to send him something. Then, he just started doing it behind my back. The only way I found out later was because of recipts from western union, from sending the money and disputes to his charges on his bank account that he had hidden. I now only want him out of my life for good.

Mar 08, 2012
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They can recover...
by: Don

No, they can't be "fixed". That's something an Enabler would try to do -- "fix" the addict. But they can recover! With help and support from a healthy recovery group you would be amazed before you are halfway through!

By the way, for a counselor to tell an enabler to stop that! is like telling an addict to stop using -- good luck with that approach. Enabling is a behavior, but Codependency is an ADDICTION.

There are two extremes that enablers vacillate back and forth between when trying to "fix" an addict. One is being too controlling and the other is being too lenient. Often times when a couple is dealing with an addicted child, one partner will take one extreme and the other takes the other extreme.

What you end up with in this scenario is one partner enabling the addiction of the addict and the other partner enabling the addiction of the codependent - which, if continued, makes this partner also Codependent.

If this is true in your case, then you are all three addicts and all three in need of treatment, and all three subject to denial. Are you a codependent? It's worth looking into.

One thing is for sure, you have not been in a normal relationship with your partner for all these years... Non-addicts don't tolerate the absence of true intimacy for long periods like this. So something needs attention on your side of the street, as well as his.

Blessings!
Don


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