Box living!

by Box Lady
(Canada)

I am 39 years old, happily married to a wonderful husband, a mother of one amazing 11 year old. I have a beautiful life now, but for as long as I live in this safe circle of family. I had a rough start in life like many of you. Was abandoned by my mother at 6, separated from my sisters, the same year my father took his life and I was approached sexually by an uncle where I was placed under the care of a bi-polar grandmother who was very unstable. I had to dodge my jealous aunts and uncles who did not want to share there mother or living space with me, I can go on and on for pages and it gets uglier.

But the point of my submitting my story is not to vent my scars, but to say that like many of you out there have developed, sadly some destructive ways of coping with all these issues. As far as I can remember, I have lived with my belongings either half way packed in boxes or all the way. Boxes have always been a big part of my life, always on a temporary basis about life with everybody and everything. The only problem is that in the past others packed them to move me around, today, I'm the one packing them up myself as a form of comfort or protection as well as a means of trying to take control of my life. I'm afraid to completely get out of my boxes and to get rid of them. It always hurts less when it is packed by ourselves, than by others type of deal! Always trying to be a couple steps ahead not to get hurt. But then again living in boxes is not a very comfortable and happy way to live either. And I realise this.

So how does one work there way out of this one? When the jealous (Aunts, uncles and mother, sisters, cousins) tell you, all your life that you are an ingrate and selfish and they take all away from you (I felt bad about being given anything, I hated receiving things, because they weighed the size and value of it so they would assure themselves of having being given the superior quality or size of gift above me, if it was greater than theirs, they would alienate me until I would surrender the gift) all the time to regain their primary status with their emotionally unstable mother who liked to play favorites. How does the "Unwelcomed" get to feel safe enough to let go of these boxes?

I have a happy life now in my marriage and with my child. But these boxes are still part of my life, but this time by my own wish to use them, I feel bad over the smallest things, guilty and I pack myself up when I feel out of line, feeling undeserving of such a privilege of having a happy life. And I know this is wrong and a transference from my past. How can I be able to understand this and still be having trouble letting go of the boxes?

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