Body Sorrow

by Corina Tamalpias
(Columbus, Ohio, USA)

For all of the life i remember - my body has been a target for pain and aggression. at this time in my life after having been told how "wrong" this body is - made fun of by family and peers as a child and sexualized early - i am in physical pain and decline - wanting to take better care of my physical and emotional body.

I got sober 4 yrs ago - am hoping to join the ymca to begin to swim, stretch and exercise, eat well and sleep peacefully. i met someone who is more fit than i am and is interested in dating but can't sustain and erection - so of course it's about my ugly body and my defective vagina. i want to let him do whatever he needs to do to heal himself and his own issues - and he really has them - still i find myself almost physically sick from feeling as though it's me - it's my fault and my defects. my youngest uncle molested me during my early childhood and now the disgust and horror of it all is coming on stronger the longer we've dating.

when i was drinking i could have sex and not really be there except to space out now it's becoming disturbing. my body longs for real closeness and trust but i feel so horrified at my ugliness and fear. and i am afraid to share any of these feelings with him since i don't want to present a broken self to him.

I'm glad to find a place to unburden this pain - to put words to the knot in my guts and i hope to hear from others about their body image and body care problems.