Body Sorrow

by Corina Tamalpias
(Columbus, Ohio, USA)

For all of the life i remember - my body has been a target for pain and aggression. at this time in my life after having been told how "wrong" this body is - made fun of by family and peers as a child and sexualized early - i am in physical pain and decline - wanting to take better care of my physical and emotional body.

I got sober 4 yrs ago - am hoping to join the ymca to begin to swim, stretch and exercise, eat well and sleep peacefully. i met someone who is more fit than i am and is interested in dating but can't sustain and erection - so of course it's about my ugly body and my defective vagina. i want to let him do whatever he needs to do to heal himself and his own issues - and he really has them - still i find myself almost physically sick from feeling as though it's me - it's my fault and my defects. my youngest uncle molested me during my early childhood and now the disgust and horror of it all is coming on stronger the longer we've dating.

when i was drinking i could have sex and not really be there except to space out now it's becoming disturbing. my body longs for real closeness and trust but i feel so horrified at my ugliness and fear. and i am afraid to share any of these feelings with him since i don't want to present a broken self to him.

I'm glad to find a place to unburden this pain - to put words to the knot in my guts and i hope to hear from others about their body image and body care problems.

Comments for Body Sorrow

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 30, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
One persons' healing
by: Anonymous

In my own life I have clung to my pain because without it -- I thought I would disappear altogether --- it was such a huge part of me. I am not suggesting that you dismiss yourself, discount yourself or deny yourself. If you are like me, the part of you that is being lost in the shadows now, the resilient part, the brave part, the part that on a deep level knows that all this suffering is temporary; those parts of you are the source of your healing and it is divine, eternal and unscarred by other profoundly confused souls. The thing that helped me to finally heal was this: I read that people who have had near death experiences --- go through a review, experience all of their life, including the suffering they have caused to themselves and others affected by their actions.At that moment they have an ephiphany about the value of love and mercy. The thing that used to gall me was that people who hurt me in the past, gained no awareness afterwards and well, got off scot-free. Now I believe that they experience the suffering they caused as if they were me (or those who know me and were affected too ).

Those who have unleashed darkness in my direction also experience the total mercy and forgiveness in contrast to what they have done and are changed by it. I no longer have to cling to my old suffering as a shield because I wanted them to be accountable. They will know at some point the value of love.

Holding onto resentment is so tiring. It feels like an old movie I have watched too many times and it now seems boring. Only the love is eternal. There is love in my world and I focus my attention on that more and more and it blossoms into gratitude most of the time. I don't know if any of this is helpful but you are in my prayers and I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering. I don't know who said this, but "giving up our suffering is the hardest work we ever do."
Good luck,
a child of God,

Apr 08, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
its never all about us
by: Anonymous

I was never sexually abused/ molested. Never been raped. yet as a recovering alcoholic female with major abandonment issues and esteem issues whenever someone seemingly "rejects" me in any way it is always about me. I was in a relationship last summer with a fairly young man who had been molested by a boy scout leader when he was 11 and he was unable to maintain an erection or perform sexually. Despite telling me how beautiful I was and desirable he was unable to make love to me. And I made this all about my ugliness. I made this a rejection of me. Just like I had done with my ex husband. You are not defective or ugly or deformed. You are beautiful.

Dec 25, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Healing...
by: Don

Hi Corina, a therapist would likely suggest to you and your partner to NOT have sex, but to spend as much time as you want being physically affectionate; snuggling, cuddling and providing warmth/closeness without the pressure of having to "perform" on either of your parts.

Therapy for the underlying trauma and abandonment issues would then become the focus.

It may be months, or even a year or two before sex would need to be considered.

First things first!

Don

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to The Iceberg Discussion Forum.