being ignorant to the signs

by Glinda
(Massachussetts)

I have a 23 yr old son, I raised him myself and when he turned 18, he wanted to go live with his father in Las Vegas. He kept in touch sporadically. After about 2 yrs he called me at 6 in the morning and said he was going to kill himself if I didnt get him home.

Well on my conditions, from the airport we went directly to the ER and admitted him. He went to a one week inpatient program and that was it. He seemed ok, moved out and got a job, but slowly he couldnt make it anymore and asked if he could move back with me to "get on his feet". It has been over a year, and I know he is drug addicted again. All the signs are there, he works but is always broke. I feed him, and he pays $200 a month rent. But that leaves him with over a grand a month....but he never has money. He is very secretive and easily angered. He also is always vomiting, and blowing his nose excessively. I know thats probably drug sick and he is snorting something. I have had suspicions but he always has an answer.

I know I am enabling him, but how do I kick him out? He will lose his job,(my husband got him the job and transports him back and forth everyday), he will have nowhere to go. I dont know how to deal with that. I am worried while he is still doing drugs he will hate me for making a stand. Its the only reason I havent done anything. I love him, I only want to help him get clean, not enable him to kill himself..... And By the way, I am waiting for a lung transplant and am quite ill myself, which makes this all the more difficult to deal with.

I guess I am not the only one, but how do people cope? Any advice would be awesome, I am hopeful for my, and my sons future.

Comments for being ignorant to the signs

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 18, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
toughening up
by: Glinda

Well Don,
I am trying my best to do the best for my son. I just cannot kick him out just yet. He has taken a home drug test, and it was clean except for pot. He has handed over his finances to me and I am controlling his money now. This all came about because I told him I could not deal anymore and he was going to have to leave. I told him that I expect him to stay in the house for at least a month, except for going to work, and he works with his father. He must hand his paycheck to me, and I have his bank card and checkbook. I told him if he needed something, I would give him the money, but needed a reciept, no reciept, no more money. And the first time he challenges me I will hand him everything, and also show him the door. He keeps saying he wasnt doing as much as I thought he was, but how would I know? Anyways I am trying to stay positive and we are looking to move out of the town we are living in to get him away. He has no car, so no way to get to his "friends" once we move, (and none of his so called friends have cars either). Wish me luck, and I will take any extra prayers anyone has to offer! Thanks again..

Oct 16, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Act of love
by: Don Carter

Being tough, setting/reinforcing boundaries, turning him over to life (the school of hard knocks) and demanding respect are the most LOVING things you can do.

At this point, nothing helpful can be said, tried, attempted, etc. There are really only two options: Tough Love or more of what you've been doing...

When you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting (except it will get worse as time goes on).

Prayers and Blessings to you Glenda,

Don

Oct 10, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Still in the Battle, I think.......
by: Glinda

Thanks for your kind words. I am still in the battle, just yesterday, I overheard my son on the phone and it seemed very suspicious. I confronted him about it and he got very defensive, yelling at me that he was not doing, buying, or selling anything and to stay out of his business. When I told him I was worried and he was my business as far as this issue was concerned and he gave me the finger, told me to f$*k off and stormed out of the house. That was about 3:30 int the afternoon, by 4:15 he was back and came in all meek, telling me he was going out to watch the football game and would be back when it was over. I didnt look at or speak to him, I was so upset. Well, I have no clue what time he came in, game was over around 7:30, I went to bed around 11, and I never heard him come in. There was a not this morning on the table for my husband from my son saying he was not going to work. I have not seen him yet today, he has not come out of his room and it is 2 in the afternoon. Ready to tear my hair out with this kid! Going to grit my teeth and get back at it with him....the worst thing will be he moves out, but at this point, maybe that is what needs to happen. For him to hit rock bottom, and me to have a break from the constant monitering. My health is suffering with all the stress, went to the dr.'s today and he showed concern. I didnt tell him what was going on, but he said all the stress is speeding my decline. God help me, like I said I am still in the battle and won't give up!! On my son or myself. Thanks again for your kind words, every little bit helps right??

Oct 09, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
checking in
by: Anonymous

I just saw your response.
I'm so proud of you. That took great strength!
Is your son improving?

Sep 28, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
replying to anonymous
by: Anonymous

Thanks for your kind words. I have looked into detox programs and 30 day inpatient programs. I actually confronted him the 2 days ago. I told him I knew what was going on and he got very defensive, asking me if I thought he was a drug addict, and I said yes. He asked me if I thought he was high right then, and I said yes. He was very upset and started giving me all his excuses, and all I said to everything was, "I dont believe you", I told him I loved him but this was it. He either cleaned up on his own like he said he would, or I would force his hand to do it my way. He has been withdrawing, but its not terrible, he has said he wasnt doing as much as I was thinking. He threw away all his drugs and paraphanalia, he actually gave it to me to dispose of. I told him that everyday he was at work I would be going through his room and if I found anything I would be trashing it. I check him when he comes in the house to make sure he isnt bringing anything in. So 2 days, he isnt fighting me, although he doesnt want to be around anyone. Just alot of spring water and getting sick. I did find out that in the middle of the night last night he took one of my Light beers, he admitted it right away......told him I wasnt going to freak out over 1 beer. So, so far, so good, fingers crossed he will keep his word this time. He did some laundry and cleaned up his room a little bit, which he never does, nervous energy maybe. Well Thanks for your input, I hope we are on the right track, with Gods help!

Sep 28, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
strength
by: Anonymous

My thoughts and prayers go out to you for not only your medical concerns but your sons.
I'm not a professional, are there any intervention services in your area?
Enabling is unhealthy. We are all guilty at times. No one is perfect.
The enabling is keeping him sick. Its allowing freedom to have funds to do unhealthy things. If he was on his own, survival choices would need to be made. Roof over head, transportation, cell phone, etc.
I recommend professional assistance, increase rent with agreement some will be saved for him to get back on feet, with a time line in place. He has the option to comply or make his own way and suffer consequences of his own choices.
if he has medical insurance, work with him to get treatment that will be covered.
Explain the reasons: you want him happy, healthy, successful, not just today but forever.
Good Luck!


Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Enabling Behavior Discussion Forum.