Auto Childhood Response

by Dea
(PA)

My 4 sisters and I were raised by a mother who did not show any type of loving affection or nurturing. She was efficient in making sure we were fed, cleaned and well behaved but lacked any ability to comfort or any heart connection. In the meantime, my father who is very affectionate also had his own issues of alcohol and low self esteem.

My mother was controlling, very physically, emotionally, psychologically abusive and my siblings and I have had to deal with severe rejection and abandonment issues. We witnessed domestic violence and being aware of her own abused background I can understand why she is that way and am able to forgive her and my father.

When my parents divorced, her violent behavior increased because my father wasn't there to intercede. When my sisters and I got married, all 5 of us ended up getting divorced due to a lack of knowing who we really were as individuals.

As I am now dealing with an abusive husband, I am very much aware of how I came into the marriage with my own baggage and have now discovered that much of my response is like a child. It angers me that there seems to be an auto response to my husbands verbal attack that I know in my adult mind does not make since.

I want to be healed in that inner child so I don’t feel helpless or like curling up in a fetal position when he verbally attacks. I’m a grown adult and want to respond as such.