Quite pleased with myself. I started doing Cognitive behavioural therapy and have successfully begun stopping the emotional self abuse I have been levelling at myself since I was a teenager. I still am watching my thoughts, monitoring the things I say to myself. What a relief to start to be able to control this.
In the meantime, and perhaps as a result of this, my false selves are falling away. Terrifying because part of me still believes that I am fundamentally flawed and that everyone will see that and reject me. Still thinking I'm not good enough. Working on that. This is one of my false selves. This unworthy worm that I suspect is me. My cover has been pretending that I'm superhuman. I'm starting to suspect that I don't have to be, nor is it possible for me to be superhuman. That kind of freaks me out.
I wanted to be better than perfect to conceal my wormness. I've been living in a fantasy world where either I am a worm or a superhero. All of it shame based of course. Bradshaw would love this. What will it mean if I give up those extreme versions of myself? What will happen if I just recognize that I'm a human being?
Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment.