Answers?

NOTE:

I found the following new post buried in an old post. I wanted it to get more attention so moved it here. Unfortunately, I lost the information of the person who posted it when I moved it. I hope they find it here...

From Lincoln, NEB:

I am in a situation with my alcoholic husband. He has been in and out of rehabs, the last rehab cost us our 401k.he spent almost five months. I recently learn as he was in rehab he started shooting heroine. He has been in and out of hospital for detox 5x since April. On meds for depression, for cravings etc. He has tried to commit suicide four different time since last august. His parent blame me. Now they have managed to talk him out of all his meds. No more doctors.

He is very verbally abusive towards me and is convinced i'm the devil and evil. We had my grandkids this weekend and he drank and started calling me all kinds of names in front of them. The oldest is five. He called me the "C" word, "B" word, "WHR" you name it he said it! His parents believe I antagonize him and that is why he does it. They tell him that we should get a divorce. That we are not meant for each other.

He is drinking very heavily again and says that his parents say there is nothing wrong with having a few cocktail after work.They know how much I have been working to get him sober and because he is having a hard time dealing with it, they have managed to convince him it is ok to drink and stop all his meds.I have left again and this time I feel I have no support team. They have managed to convince him that he started having all his problems when we first met. They failed to recognized that he has been drinking since he was 11 years old and he is now 49years. I had noticed when he stopped drinking he would not talk to his parents...he would ignore their calls.

I'm at a loss because I love him and I really believe he wants to stop. I told him if he continued to drink I was leaving. So I did. So now he has given up, or gave in. He is convinced now he'll be a drunk all his life and he is ok with that. His Mom says to him that does not make him a bad person! But I'm sure giving in does not make him feel better.

Why would a parent want that for their child? I feel so helpless, I am his wife, what happens if his parent die tomorrow, what is going to happen to him?

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Sep 16, 2011
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They don't want that any more than you do...
by: Don Carter

Hi Anonymous,

Your husband doesn't want what he is getting, his parents don't want what they are getting, and you don't want what you are getting -- but if nothing changes, nothing changes. You are dealing with addiction. When addiction takes over in a family it gets EVERYONE...

Yes that means you too. You are right in many ways about his family enabling the problem. But they are right in some ways about you enabling the problem too. We all get sick in a sick environment - or we get out.

When you started "working so hard to get him sober" it took you over too. Maybe that was right away after you got married. If so, your over-responsibility did indeed contribute to the problem...

That is not your fault and you didn't cause his addiction. The only thing you are guilty of is loving too much, tolerating too much, and doing too much for him. Those are the hallmarks of a good enabler. It is natural to try to help someone you love -- but our normal instincts to love betray us in the case of addiction.

Searching for blame and who is at fault never did anything for solving a disease. Only treatment can do that. Each of us have a choice to make - get help or don't get help. I hope you decide to get help and keep coming back.

Blessings and best wishes!
Don

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