Anonymous

I have a 20 year old SS and a bd they are 3months apart, my husband and I have been together almost 19 years and married 11 of those. Since day one I have always been disrespected by the SS, why I have stayed all these years is # 1 because I love my husband and #2 I guess I thought it would get better.

It has improved at times but it has never really gotten better. Now our children are grown my daughter is married and my SS well let's just say he is still here, still pulling the same stunts and tantrums he has been pulling for all of these years. Recently though it has gotten worse and is now effecting my marriage to his father.

I have always gone out of my way to do things for him the SS but there is never any respect only manipulation, last year he was really sick so being a nurse I quit my job and stayed home and took care of him for nearly six months, got him recovered and then he decided he wanted a jeep and when his dad and I would not get it for him he threw a fit said we do more for my daughter and ect. He cussed us both and was not welcome in our home for nearly 3 months. He has no respect for what we do for him or the sacrifices we have made he only thinks of himself.

It is causing serious problems between his father and I, I have spoken with his mother but she too is part of the enabling picture she was slam him in one breath and kindly defend him in another. I am at a loss I just no longer know what to do, I am so tired of the screaming matches with my husband and sick of always everything having to revolve around Mr. inconsiderate .

I love my husband but I can no longer live with this dismay and constant mood of unhappiness, walking on egg shells waiting for the next storm to blow in... Help

Comments for Anonymous

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Feb 20, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Similar problem
by: Anonymous

My 26 year old SS came home to live with my husband and I 8 months ago because he was a substance abuse addict. We have put him in Rehab twice, but within weeks of getting out both times he was using again. He hasn't worked in 10 months and is still laying around our house. My husband just keeps telling him to get a job, but he is really not even trying. Now he is on the methadone program and still not working. My husband is just enabling him and won't make him leave. This has really strained our marriage to the point I am ready to move out. I have become so depressed and miserable I just can't take much more. I love my husband but enough is enough. I took him to a nara-non meeting tonight but it was not what i expected at all. I thought they would talk about how he is enabling him but it was more just everyone talking about how they have just separated themselves and found serenity. We have an appointment in two days with a counselor and I'm hoping that helps more. My husband doesn't think its a big deal him living with us! But I really think for my own health and well being I must leave. My family agrees and says if he gets his son straight and on his own maybe we could get back together.

Oct 27, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
"Help" is the operative word...
by: Don Carter

The last word you used in your story seemed like the most useful one given all you've said. This is a blended family issue involving triangulation (See Drama Triangle). And it has been going on for a very long time which means it is the "family dance"...an unhealthy, habitual way of regulating distance & connection between family members.

Complicated family dynamics like these need an objective helper who knows about family therapy and working with various relationships within the system. I would start with a meeting between you, your husband, and a family therapist (one who knows about addictive family dynamics).

If your husband won't go, then go yourself. Even if only one person changes it will affect the whole system.

Keep in touch!
Don


Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Enabling Behavior Discussion Forum.