Am I wrong for doing this?

by mxkx

My husband and I aren't living together - I have an apartment in my name only and I pay all the bills associated with it out of my own pocket, including the internet bill. He is a sex/porn addict. I used to try to police his online habits but since I started therapy I've been backing off a lot more, realizing that this behavior came from an urge to control circumstances that really are outside of my control. However, along with this, I have been realizing what I can control and have a right to control in regards to myself. Part of this has been blocking all porn and webcam chat sites on my network. I don't use them myself, I would block them anyways if my son were older than he is, and I don't want my husband engaging in this activity (or anyone for that matter) while under my personal and private roof. He has his own internet at home for that usage.

My husband is really mad at me now. He says that I'm a b*tch for preventing him from talking to his friends that also frequent his favorite webcam chat. However, the way I see it, if he were an alcoholic, I wouldn't let him drive to the bar in my car, would I? Even if he is just going to meet his friends as he says because I know eventually one thing will turn in to another and he'll come home drunk. It's not like there's not other means of getting in contact with people online besides a webcam chat room and IMHO if that is the only means you have of getting in contact with them they're not very good friends of yours to begin with. I haven't blocked any communication sites like IM and social networking or even just regular chat sites, just porn and webcam chats.

My question is this: am I violating his boundaries by setting these boundaries of my own? Am I really being a "b*tch" as he puts it?

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Oct 04, 2011
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what is your priority?
by: Anonymous

IMHO: calling you a b*tch is just his way of retaining power over you and power to do as he pleases without having to consider your feelings and priorities. do you really want to keep associating with a man whose values are what his are? it seems to me that on some level you feel obligated to put up with a behavior that brings you pain and leaves you feeling disrespected and undervalued. what does it matter really where he engages in the behavior you describe? if he is still doing it at his home, you are still putting up with it, just at a further distance. how important is it to you to continue being involved with a man who disrespects you and all other women? porn is all about women being objects for men's lust. it encourages and supports the disempowerment of women. anyone with the habit of watching porn is just indulging in behavior that reflects a huge amount of ignorance and lack of valuation for women and for what a healthy, balanced relationship really consists of. it sounds like on some level you realize this but haven't been able to finally cut the chord. usually there are fears that keep a woman in this situation. i can relate, and i have compassion for you and your current situation. i hope you will find a way to honor yourself and your own feelings. someone i respect a lot once said, when you honor yourself you are never a victim. i hope you will continue on the path of honoring yourself. it takes courage and doesn't always happen all at once. i know this from life experience. i encourage you to make your own feelings and values your priority.

Apr 08, 2011
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WHAT?
by: Lisa

I have been separated from my husband for 8 years. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 10 years. My ex (as I feel about him) is a porn/strip club addict. He feels he has no problem whatsoever and the reason we split up was all about me and my "crazy issues" and ideas. Well I first off all would never in a million years even allow him to use MY computer in MY home. But since you do for some reason do that I would politely remind him you pay the bills, own the computer and make every rule in the home and he has NO SAY in it whatsoever. If he must be in your home for some reason, which I would seriously reconsider, he must abide by your HOUSE RULES. Also if you are thinking of reconciling with him it should be under the condition that he get counseling and stay in counseling for a long time. Good luck. I have finally decided to file for the dissolution after realizing I can make it all on my own and not to be afraid

Apr 11, 2010
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my place only
by: Anonymous

It's only at my apartment, not at his place of residence, and yes, I do pay for it.

Apr 11, 2010
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mxkx
by: Angie Carter

Just want some clarification before I post my opinion. Are you saying the internet you have the block on in your apartment and on your computer? Or does it apply to his computer at his place of residence also? ...and you pay for the service?
thanks Angie C.

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