Always been this way

by Matthew
(Iowa)

This is BS. When I was born I was either happy or angry never an in between. (that's what my mom says anyway). Well I have a dad who worked most of the time and when I did see him he'd bust my chops for doing something stupid on accident. He'd spank me and sometimes he'd punch me. Once he accidentally hit my head on a desk when he was trying to spank me but it still hurt. Now I only feel anger. Sometimes it's depressed self loathing anger but usually I'm just furious or it's just under the surface. The us no limit to my rage and people don't seem to get that. The thing about it though is I love the anger and hatred I feel. The madder I am the stronger I am and the stronger I feel. Makes me good at football. But I can't express love and I don't really even remember feeling loved or accepting that I was loved. My dad's nicer now because he likes how I channel my rage into sports but it just never goes away. To top it off I was constantly picked on by idiots at school until 8th grade. I got really fat that year. That summer I ran 8 mile every day and dropped the weight. That fall I began weight lifting and the sophomore year I went out for football. Even though I have always had better grades than my 1 year younger sister she has always been my dad's favorite. She threw a rock at my head and she got yelled at. I bit her in retaliation to her biting me and I got spanked double what she got. In summery I have always had anger, now I just don't have happy so your theory is wacked out.

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Mar 19, 2012
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Anger
by: Anonymous

Hey Matthew, what's happened to you is so bad. Your dad sounds really abusive. Have you talked to him about it and told him it's not ok to treat you like that? He sounds like he has a massive anger problem.. my dad was similar and I didn't know what to do with him as he used to rage at us and bully us as kids. I realise now that he carried a lot of hurts and was probably stressed out and feeling unloved. I used to annoy him a lot tho and yell and swear back- but that kinda made it worse.
As an adult now, I have a bit of distance on what he used to do, although he still yells and rants even tho I have left home and am in my 40's. I talked to him recently and asked if he wanted to be friends and that if he did- it would mean having mutual respect for each other and not ranting at me. I also did a lot of forgiving and crying over the years about the dad I never had, and the effects of his abusive ways. Forgiveness takes out the sting, but it doesn't always heal the relationship. I just want to have a better way of relating to men now, so am willing to try counselling or chatting to people about how I can not be so angry myself- I am still on the journey, and it takes a while. At least you were brave enough to write something here- that takes heaps of guts!!!

Mar 13, 2012
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by: Mia

Amazing just how much of your story reminds me of me. I too had a lot of anger. I used anger to cover up the other feelings. Anger made me strong and untouchable. I felt very protective when I was angry not one would dare take me on or question me. I now know that I can have the other feelings without being afraid of not being the strong one. I think you will find if you keep looking that you too have hidden feelings.

Mar 12, 2012
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Welcome!
by: Don

Hi Matthew,

Yeah, what can I say...it's only a theory. Hey, what position do you play? Channeling anger into a socially acceptable outlet is very creative! It can take you far if you have the other tools to go with it...I just hope you find a way to enjoy it when you get there!

Keep searching...you are bound to eventually come across something that does make sense to you. I'll throw out a few prayers to that end if you don't mind too much.

Blessings,
Don

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