All messed up and I feel completely hopeless and helpless...
Where do I begin? I've have been messed up all my life. I've been suicidal since I was 13 and still very much think of it even to this very day at the age of 53. Recently I have been doing a little research on the effects of PTSD, the effects of abduction, near death experience and now the effects of abandonment. I have the classic symtoms of all these malfunctions including both internal and external issues mentioned in this article. It's no wonder I'm so messed up. I can't hold a job, I'm on and off the cigerettes, I've used drugs, alcohol, food and men to mask my pain but of course nothing has been effective. I can't and don't have healthy relationships with my own kids or grandkids, past husbands (3) or any perspective relationships, not even friendship inside even a church! I've tried counciling and deliverence. And needless to say...nothing has worked. I fear I'm drawing towards my end because my heart hurts so much and my mind is very tired of trying to putting the pieces of my jigsaw life in order.
All my life I have had many "family" members drop subtitle hints about who I am, who I'm not, who my mother was and how much she hated me. How she wanted me dead. And much more...but anytime and every time, including up to this morning, I ask them to explain what they mean, they always turned it around and say things like "what's wrong with you"? "your crazy." And as a child the woman who claims to be my birth mother relished on telling me I'm schizophrenic like my father! Kinda hard not to believe this. However, I have taken online test which states I'm not. Through my research though I have discovered that PTSD and the effects of abduction can sometimes appear like Schizophrenia.
I have all these subconcious memories of severe abuse and neglect and even of being hospitalized and bandaged from head to toe. I have unexplained scars on my face, arms, legs and feet. I am just not sure if these memories are real or just symtoms of the above mentioned disorders. I'm not even entirely sure it matters. Most of the time I feel if I could just be told the truth that the healing process could begin but obviously there is no hope of these "family" member being honest with me. I'm not sure how to help myself. I'm currently unemployed so my money is limited and I have no health insurance so I can't go to any professionals for advise. Is there anyone here who can lead me to some good literature that can help me? Please