Adoption is Abandonment

by Aleatha Ann
(Reno NV)

I was abandoned at birth, fostered for 2 months, then adopted out. My parents adopted 4 children and were always hailed as heroes for "saving our lives"; Family, neighbors, teachers, social workers alike. What I would like to say about adoption is that the child should be the main focus.

The child's abandonment needs can't be met if the adopted parents aren't aware they exist. Too many adoptions are made to meet the needs of the adopted parents, their loss of infertility and not having a natural child. They are dealing with their own loss and may not be capable of helping their child deal with hers.

I have been struggling with abandonment issues my whole life and probably always will. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by people in my adopted family. I never felt safe after age 12. I was forced to work because Dad lost his job and the man I worked for molested me. At age 18, I was attacked by an uncle then called a liar when trying to warn others in the family. This was abandonment #2. Not only was I left at birth, but now at age 18, I am raped, shamed, and called a liar.

At age 32, I met my birth-mom. We spent 4 years getting to know each other. We can no longer have a relationship due to her issues with abandoning me! She suffered her whole life as well. She could not accept my love but constantly pushed me away. This is what I call abandonment #3.

The best I can do now is realize that none of this was my fault. I didn't ask to be abandoned but I am left trying to heal myself. I need to feel, I need to cry, I need to heal. I am now in therapy trying to accomplish just that. Wish me luck! AAA

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Aug 15, 2016
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Feeling vs Being Abandoned...
by: Don Carter

Hi, This is a good conversation to have because both sides have good points. Many times it IS in the best interest of the child to be put up for adoption, as when the parents who are drug-addicted and also have mental/emotional conditions that cause them to be unable to provide for the child. In these cases, it can be an act of love for the child to be offered to healthy, functional parents who can take care of them and give them a good life.

But even in the best cases, children have a need to understand their heritage and their "roots." As a counselor, I frequently see many teenage and adult clients who feel defective and unworthy because they took their adoption to mean there was something wrong with them and many times no amount of talking or appealing to logic can dislodge this perception.

This happens when a person makes that decision about their self-worth early on and lived their life as if it were true. They then FEEL abandoned because they think they must be defective in some way or they would not have been given up. Even when some people can see the logic and accept it was the best their biological parent could do at the time, they can STILL feel abandoned and have a fear of abandonment because the feeling-state is imprinted during their childhood experience when they don't have the ability to reason it through. This emotional state can be triggered and become active, despite all logic.

So "feeling" abandoned and actually "being" abandoned can be two very different things. A healing or recovery process is necessary even when the perception is unwarranted.

Don

Jul 18, 2016
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Adoption is not abandoment
by: Anonymous

Now I know why women get abortions, to give a child up for adoption is not abandonment,and to say so to the women who went through the hell of giving a child up for adoption is so very wrong of you. Why do you put such thoughts into these childrens head. Doing what is best for the child and making sure they are put into good homes is not abandonment, its love, the deepest and the hardest love there is. Its like saving the child from the difficult life you are suffering and making sure it a lot better for them than its been for you.

Dec 03, 2010
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try to help
by: Anonymous

If I understand you correctly, you have an adopted child who feels abandoned but you want them to know that Mom was too sick to care for them. Now at 17, the pain of not knowing Mom is getting bad. I suggest pure honesty with lots of love. If at all possible, please allow them time to get to know each other. Your position is stronger than you know and should not feel threatened by this natural need to feel your mothers love. Aleatha

Dec 02, 2010
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I have have an adoptioned child who thinks her mother abandonmented her
by: Anonymous

That is not the case; mom is sick an can not take care of the child. She is now 17 and the pain is getting worse what should I do?

Nov 24, 2010
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Thanks Angie
by: Aleatha

Thanks for your positive comment Angie. I hope my post can help others as much as it helps me to write about my experiences. I think of the precious time I lost as a child, and there is no way to get that back. So going forward, healing is the best way to get back to living life as I should and deserve to, feeling safe and free. I may not ever be whole again because a piece of me is missing, but I can feel safe and let my defenses down to allow the feelings of emotion to come back to me. Let the numbness go.
Thanks again!

Nov 24, 2010
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Aleatha
by: Angie Carter

For the life of me I cannot figure out why some people's journey seems so very difficult and others seem like a walk in the park. But it's not for me to know why and your journey falls into the category of difficult.

I like your ability to see and share the point of view that adoption is sometimes more for the parents unmet needs than the child's. Not something I have thought about much, but can now see how true that could be. Also your birth mom's inability to work through her OWN feelings in order to be there for you, thus resulting in you getting abandoned all over again. That is indeed sad and unfortunate (in my opinion anyway).

Your insight into knowing that none of this is your fault and that you have sought out therapy for the purpose of healing is a wonderful and inspiring thing to hear, instead of the alternative - you giving up on yourself and thus becoming self destructive. I hope the healing can occur for you Aleatha, as it has for me because what lies beyond the other side of abandonment is truly something awesome and you don't want to miss it! I pray for your continued willingness to heal and receive love from those who are trustworthy and emotionally available for you.

Angie Carter

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