Abandonment the destoryer

by Chris
(CA)

I was sickly as a child woke up a lot pre - 10 years old in an oxygen tent. Had pneomina some 10 times. My parents smoked a lot, Dad 3/4 packs mom 1/2 a day. But in the 50's and 60's that was the thing to do. A lot of times we would try to go some where and the parent would turn on the air roll up the windows and we were off on an outing. I would get sick and everyone would say we have to go back as Chris is sick (again). 6th grade I spent most of the year in a county hospital. At the same time Dad was in the VA hospital. I was not told, some months after his death that he was dying of cancer. Anyway I lived in the county hospital and walked across the street to the school. On weekend visits I would get sick and come back. Lots of strange things happened in the hospital but thats another subject. That Summer or Fall my Mom went to bury her father and on the way back stopped at CARIH now National Jewish and she beg them to take my case. Asthmatic. They did and was was flown to Denver, Co where I stayed some 20 months. Some time in January/Feb. maybe 5/6 months into my stay in Denver, I was told Dad died back in November, shortly after I arrived in Denver. Ever since then I've had a pack of emotions, I've even asked "Well when are you leaving. About time for you to dump my ass". Self-esteem is dragging the bottom. Quite several jobs as I did not think I was liked or worthy. I was always the top producer. Never been able to voice the problems. Oh yeah at 14 shortly after retuning from Denver a family friend molested me. My guess that added to the shame and contempt I've had for myself. Seems I've lived two lives one no one is allowed to know the the work side. Getting things done. Never really go out and try and have friends One I don't want them to know anything about my past (shame/Contempt for myself) and I figure they will be gone in short order. Again I would not reveal myself.

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Feb 03, 2013
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Your Here And Now
by: Anonymous

Hi Chris,

You have certainly had some tough times.

Can I just say that you deserve a real pat on the back for having made it through. I hear sadness & probably some anger coming through but you're still here. The question you must ask yourself is "can I find it within within myself to be happy & realize that I may not have always had control over what happened in my life as a child but I have full control now".

Life really is a journey filled with happy times but no one is exempt from tragedy either. It is my strong belief that the sadness & despair we feel makes us enjoy the happy times that much more. Try to go out and experience one joyful thing everyday; a walk in the park , seeing birds in your back yard, a lake, eating ice cream, watching a comedy or classic...anything that makes you feel happy. The more you do this the more happier you will feel, taking a class or volunteering are great also. Anything to get your mind off thinking about what was so you have no choice except to think about WHAT IS! You can't do anything about the past but you can sure do something about your present & that will help to ensure your future.

I'm hoping this doesn't sound like a lecture Chris. I'm really & truly speaking from experience. If you want me to share with you some of my own personal tragedies, I will.

For today, if the Sun is shining where you are, pull up a chair or a blanket & try to appreciate it for what it is. Today can be the beginning of your Here and Now.

Sincerely,

J

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