Abandonment Issues are making it hard to be in a healthy relationship.

by Wendi
(Canada)

My father was an unreliable, angry, abusive (physically toward my mother, and verbally to all of us). My mom divorced him when I was three. During this time, I was being molested by my baby sitter. Then at the age of eight, my father died of cancer. Gone for good. I grew up wanting a dad, but never having that. In my teens I wished I had a father to protect me, and teach me about boys. Instead, I had myself and my environment to work with. I was very promiscuous, and desperate for love. Most relationships ended because the man chose to end it. In my current relationship today, I am experiencing problems. In the back of my mind, I'm always afraid my partner is going to leave me. I feel like i'm not good enough, and experience low self worth (which i am addressing). When my partner expresses something he doesn't like, which he should be free to communicate, my whole world seems to crumble. I cry, I get angry, I get defensive... then I feel guilty. Then I feel afraid he will leave. Sometimes I leave when there is a disagreement. My first instinct is to flee the scene. But then I have a feeling of "where to now stupid? You have no where to go." It's like I want to be chased after. I want to be rescued from myself. I know I need to rescue myself, or I am going to push away some one who wants nothing but happiness for me. My partner tells me all the time that I need to love myself and stop telling myself that I'm all screwed up... Focus on how wonderful life is. The problem is, I don't really know how to. Can anyone help me? Currently I am listening to different audios, and reading works on how to reprogram your mind, and how anxieties and fears work in your brain, and effect your life. I love this man so much, I am so afraid of losing him if I don't learn how to control my mind and my emotions. I don't want him to get sucked into my warped perspective. I know that my view of relationships are unhealthy. The problem is, I haven't figured out how to change my thought patterns yet, let alone control my thoughts. Please help me.

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Jan 30, 2013
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Response to knowing yourself And acceptance
by: Wendi

Hey to the gentlemen below, I was just wondering, what kind of hypnotherapy audios are you using? I would love to find some good ones!

Jan 30, 2013
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Response
by: Wendi

Yeah it's tough. Men like rationality, but women are emotional. Especially if there are abandonment issues at work, emotional reactions are more intense. this can blow up something small into something huge. I've been reading a few different books, hoping they will help. One is called life after trauma, and the other is called mood cure. I mean, at the same time I don't want to draw too much focus to what I feel are my problems... Messes you all up if your constantly thinking "I'm screwed up because of A,B, and C". Or "if I don't change, he'll leave me too". That puts pressure on both of us... And too much focus makes me feel even more uncertain of myself and my relationship... Lord I over analyze everything then....But I really want to at least know I'm trying. I'm trying to become aware of my thoughts that are harming me. I want to know that at least I've tried my best. I did begin some self confidence hypnosis at bedtime. I guess If he's an understanding man, who really loves you, he should be patient... Shouldn't he?

Jan 27, 2013
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WOW
by: Shannon

I cannot believe it... I broke down crying just reading about what you are going through. My dad was unreliable always with a different woman.. I was promiscuous too growing up, my parents were divorced when I was 3 as well. I am currently with a man that I truly love. I know it takes two to tango, I also realize that my self esteem and insecurity and anxiety are taking a toll on a man I truly love, like you, I dont know how to think differently or how to readjust my thoughts

Dec 04, 2012
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Knowing yourself and acceptance
by: Anonymous

Hi Wendi,

I am a 38yr old male, and reading your article sounded almost like the female equivalent of me. My life was slightly different. Growing up in our household was very chaotic; My mother had a variety of mental health problems, repeated nervous break downs, frequent stays in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital, social workers visiting us, a father who was unreliable (my parents divorced when I was 7/8), and constant upheaval. At the age of 11, I guess my mother felt like she had let us all down (I have an older brother and sister) and took her own life (she went missing for 5 days before her body was found on a railway side track). Growing up in a household where it was a big secret to keep my mother's illness hidden, coupled with the fact that she took her own life was a huge blow that has affected me ever since, especially in relationships. At the age of 17, my father attempted suicide too. He was in a relationship and blamed me for it breaking up (I used to really really dislike my step mother at that time). On coming out of the hospital , he threw me out of home. So you could say, I use to have a real bad self image. Like you , I never felt like I was good enough (despite being very confident). I always sabotaged every loving relationship I was in, attracting females who were very loving but also with their problems. Now, I am at a stage where I want to meet someone. But equally know I have to accept my past, who I am, and love myself - before I can even consider really letting anyone in. After years of different types of therapy I have come to the conclusion only I can come up with the answers. What I have found that works for me is hypno-therapy. I recently attended a seminar - in London - by Richard Bandler and Paul Mckenna. Some of the event I disagreed with, parts of it I did. Exploding all the negative images/memories I had of my childhood and myself has helped. For example, picturing the event, and then literally blowing it up so it vanishes (blinding white) - has helped me. Coupled with the fact I imagine a new scenario, where I am in a movie and play it out, in detail, then I step into the movie helps too. Everytime I feel a little fed up (and its becoming less and less), I play a self-help hypno audio (takes around an hour) and really go deep. I focus on where I want to be, I work with the pain, but more importantly of where I want to be. I can't stress this enough. You can keep on going back to your childhood/ traumatic times and all your going to do is cause yourself more pain. By focusing more and more on what you want, your creating a new reality in your head (and thus sub conscious). I really hope this help and any other tips for what works is always helpful and appreciated.

Nov 30, 2012
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hi
by: mickey

Hi there wendi I agree alot with the post beforehand, your awareness of yourself is fantastic, but I know it probably doesnt make you feel any better! I like your honesty about what you are going through because for me, its been hard being honest about stuff like that and its very hard to deal with it on your own. I cant tell you anything other than I think people just need a sounding board, or a safe environment and people to be with and get this stuff of your chest, because when all you do is think about it, keep it to yourself and stress, then thats all you do. I find this site good and I would like to hear from anyone that I reply to, I find just typing out your feelings and getting support back from someone else typing too helps. It is a safe outlet. Anyway good luck and hope this helps. Ciao

Nov 30, 2012
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hey there
by: Anonymous

Your fantastic for being so honest and you have a good awateness of yourself. You are in a hard spot cos these things i know you cant be completely honest towards your partner with because this is the deepest hurt part of yourself and you fear abandonment if you reveal it. All i can say is be true to yourself and this doesnt mean saying anything to anyone, it just means you are precious and need to find compassion for yourself inside of you. All the best to you

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