abandonment cycle

by Honey
(UK)

We, my daughter and I were abandoned by her father when she was small, we were left to fend for ourselves, his input was often violent, but my daughter adored him. I always felt she pushed me away from a young age, even though we were close and I did all I could for her and with her, we spent alot of happy times together, but she always harboured resentment for me. In the last couple of years she has really pushed me away, she had been suffering depression, but now that she has pushed me away she seems much happier in herself, whilst I realise she may have pushed me away because of things that went on between us, I also worry that she may have found contentment by further establishing her sense of abandonment? Could that happen? I worry so much about and feel so abandoned myself.

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Mar 17, 2012
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Honey mother daughter
by: Anonymous

Dear Don,
Thank you so much for your kind comment, reading it helps me a lot to see things in a less emotional and more practical way. I think what you say about not giving my daughter the space to grow may be the case for us, I hope that it is so because it would explain a lot. I think you are right I tried to compensate by smothering her and I looked upon her as my friend and confidante. I wish I had got your advice when I was a young mother, or had someone to guide me. I think young mothers who find themselves alone are so often unprepepared or certainly were in the past. I think your comment is most gentle and healing, perhaps in time things will get better between us, thankyou Don,
Kind wishes Honey

Mar 09, 2012
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Just a thought...
by: Don

When a child pushes a parent away they are usually trying to get some room to grow.

When a parent and child find themselves abandoned by the other parent, the child can become the remaining parents confidant and supporter...or the remaining parent may try too hard to rescue, nurture, and care for the child out of guilt and fear.

Either way the child can feel engulfed and unable to get a sense of self...also known as a sense of separateness or autonomy. In other words, room to grow.

Teenagers have this natural urge to push away parents...they transfer their dependencies to their peers and friends. This helps them prepare to go out into the world as fully functioning adults.

These are just some typical things I see frequently. I am not saying this is what is happening with you...you could benefit from a session or two with a counselor to explore such possibilities.

Take Care,
Don

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