Abadonned by mother - Anger and guilt arising
I am currently in a similar situation and am very lost as to what to do,My mother had me very young 17 and had my sister 2 yrs later.soon after my father had an affair and forced my mother out .My mother was very young i don't remember it all to well.
My father is an over romantic but in a very manic depressive type way he was incredibly controlling and by the time i left home at 16 had a huge amount of control over my self esteem if he was happy with me i was happy with myself etc
I spent my whole life being incredibly understanding i rationalised away the pain, "I completely understood " i would talk about their issues where they came from in all this, why they did the things they did. I could of sworn i had no issues with my mother until recently i got a huge shock i had thought i understood and was ok with everything.
My father had been sexually abused and hid it well into hes fifties,he hid the words but the symptoms were very apparent. My mother moved countries and developed an extremely destructive life style of drink and drugs. Trying to kill herself on numerous occasions.
Emotionally she shut down to relationships with us for years while i dealt with many girlfriends partners of my fathers who some of were very aggressive and one in particular (my second sisters mother who lived with us for 3 yrs ) spent yrs blackmailing me and my sister.
My father desperately needed security and would sacrifice anything for it, putting hes partners always on front of us and not ever "noticing" what was going on with us.
My father shared too much of his anxieties when i was too young and i became a very anxious adult desperately needed control and security to the point my anxiety has seriously affected my adult life and relationships. I managed to get away from hes controlling grasp but he still manages at times to rain me back in the last yr or so being the worst since i left home.Its emotional control-Difficult to describe - but he forces you to reinforce back to him hes versions of reality to make everything ok for him even though i feel differently this stirs up a lot of anger and depression in me.
I've spent most of my adult life now 27 in and out of quite dark and scary depressions.I find it hard to function a lot of the time. My mothers partner recently died and we convinced her to move home as both i and my sister were worried about the consequences if she didn't.I agreed to move in with her until she settled. She is not a bad person she actually has one of the biggest hearts of anyone i know and i understand or used to at least why she did what she did.
My father also had huge control over her i had to council her out of that in my early 20s, 16 yrs after she left she still suffered with control issues with my father."She needed to hear him say things etc etc "I explained she had to make these things ok for herself and that another person especially him would never fix this for her ,she had to change her perceptions.
I moved in with her in August its been extremely hard i find it incredibly difficult to watch her self destructive modes and he over suffocating attempts to make me a child again to fill gaps for her.She has become very co dependent on me and lately i have become extremely angry with her acting like a spoiled child and belittling her confidence constantly and aggressively .She tries everything to please me my anger though makes it feel pathetic to me.
My mother has just lost a partner and has very little confidence and over compensated to manic degrees in social situations to compensate,she does not need this from me but im so angry its uncontrollable ,I have gone over and over in my head i go from extreme anger to extreme guilt ive gone to the doctor in pieces i was so depressed for a period a while back that for 3 months i went to work on auto pilot and came home and went to bed every evening .I don't want to hurt her i want to help but all i seem to do is make it worse.Im so confused i
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