58 year old Mom struggling to say no to her 23 & 26 year old sons

by Julie King
(Irving, Tx USA)

I'm a codependent raised 2 boys 23 & 26 who are codependent. I've been in celebrate recovery for 6 months, my life for over 10 years has been a nightmare. Lately they have been more verbally abusive than they have been. They are substance abusers, I recently gave up drinking since attending my recovery meetings. I drank my entire life, my mom died at 32 from alcohol, I was 13 didnt live with her, lived with my dad and stepmom. Being in recovery I have studied, researched, completed my spiritual inventory and still going and loving it. My desperation is trying to release guilt, because I screwed my kids lives up. They are in such a terrible place its my fault. Married 41 years my husband and I have slept in separate rooms for 10 years. Out home has been a place of turmoil for years, Let me add , we are Christians, our church home has been our church home for 19 years. Celebrate Recovery is opening to our community Jan 2017, I will be leading small groups or the welcome 101 group. Im excited but the devil has been attacking our family more than I would have imagined. I am ready for peace in my life, I need to fill my life with good things, helping others that are experiencing the same or similar family struggles will be my ministry with Celebrate Recovery (if that is Gods will for me,). I have suffered with verbal abuse from my sons and husband so long I'm having a terrible time trying to let go, today especially. This is the first day in Years I told my oldest No! Hes called me, left voice mails, sent text messages ( I read a few lines and stopped,) I'm not going to be verbally abused via voice mail and text messages too. Anyway I am feeling almost sick because of this today, I've cried, prayed and beat myself up over this, because it's a generational shame that has carried over now through me to me poor children. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child by my step-mom, I was 2 when she married my dad. This carried shame is so evil, I had no idea what I was doing, until now its too late. I didn't know a such thing as values, boundaries, now I have set my own. My whole life has been a lie, I am who I've allowed the external world to tell me I am, I am now who God tells me I am. I'm working on Self-Love and trying to reparent the child in me with Lots of Love, care and support so I can take this mask off, fill my empty soul with good, and positive things, even though I will never recover from shame, and the horrible codependencies I have, I am learning how to identify and change some of these before they take over my heart and mind. What I would like is some feedback, if any of how to cope with release and saying No, I feel like pure hell right now, but thats really not a feeling I've never had before. Thank You from Recovery for life, Julie

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