2012 - The Year of Me

I am 64 years old. All of my life I have felt different, unloveable, isolated and lonely. I grew up an only child. My father and mother were the best they knew how to be but my father was an orphan and my mother's family or origin was somewhat dysfunctional. Therefore, I think little was given to either of them and consequently, not much was there for me.

For years I've been in counseling trying to find out why my life has been so unhappy and such a mess. I never went to college and began working immediately after high school. My jobs never amounted to much. I didn't achieve much and always worked for low pay. I did office work and burned out very quickly.

I married my first husband at 24 years old. He was very controlling and very jealous. He was very belittling and accusing. He constantly compared my to his first wife whom he thought was far superior to me. This marriage lasted 10 years.

I left that marriage an almost immediately became involved with a man that was to be my second husband. He was a full-blown alcholic. He drank daily. This was a very painful experience. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was introduced to Al-Anon. Although I didn't develop any consistency in attending Al-Anon, I would go back when things got crazy. I must have grown more that I was aware because my husband lost control and divorced me. That was 20 years ago.

I was introduced to my first CODA meeting this week where they talked about abandonment issues. I was floored that this could have caused all my problems! I have to admit to myself that yes, I suffered abandonment as my parents just didn't have anything to offer me. Never was I told they were proud of me or that they loved me. My mother was always preoccupied with her job and what my dad was doing (gambling primarily). I am stunned that I have been in such denial about my early years as a child. Although my father has passed, I have spent my entire adult life trying to gain the approval of my mother and make her happy. I just didn't realize it. What an awakening this has been for me.

I am eager to find recovery and release from this misery. I will be 65 this year. I have made a promise to myself to find happiness with myself. I just have to learn to love me.

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Jul 12, 2012
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Good Luck
by: Anonymous

I really admire your tolerance when you speak about your parents. There is an absence of blame in your post which I find impressive. I hope you find the peace we all deserve. I really have found energy healing helpful, and although The Healing Code franchise is clearly American marketing culture gone haywire, I really really recommend the book. It will explain why a physical approach is sometimes as helpful, if not more, than a psychodynamic approach. I would also recomment things like yoga and chakra balancing. The key is the get the energy your body is using to suppress negative memories out into the open so that you can use that energy to heal, to love, to live your life. I wish you all the best in your endeavours. Have a wonderful 2012. Sienna

Jan 21, 2012
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Hi!
by: Don

Hello there!

I am always a little surprised when I see the problem and the solution written in the first paragraph of a post! Both are in these words of yours:

..."I think little was given to either of them and consequently, not much was there for me."

From the rest of what you wrote, it seems you lived your life according to that theme: ..."not much was there for me".

BUT NOW...I love the title of your post! "2012 - The Year of Me" is a decision to break out of that theme and take care of yourself! In recovery meetings they say..."It's never too late to have a happy childhood!"

Got for it!

Don

Jan 18, 2012
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Dear Me,
by: carol

dear Me, good on you for dealing with your issues now that you have identified them, i to went through what you have only i was in a family of 8
we can't control our lives most times but when i gave my life to God a lot of my inner burdens are now gone. i am still trying to earn my mothers aproval sometimes but know when so i try to stop. good luck in your journey my prayers are with you.

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