2012 - The Year of Me
I am 64 years old. All of my life I have felt different, unloveable, isolated and lonely. I grew up an only child. My father and mother were the best they knew how to be but my father was an orphan and my mother's family or origin was somewhat dysfunctional. Therefore, I think little was given to either of them and consequently, not much was there for me.
For years I've been in counseling trying to find out why my life has been so unhappy and such a mess. I never went to college and began working immediately after high school. My jobs never amounted to much. I didn't achieve much and always worked for low pay. I did office work and burned out very quickly.
I married my first husband at 24 years old. He was very controlling and very jealous. He was very belittling and accusing. He constantly compared my to his first wife whom he thought was far superior to me. This marriage lasted 10 years.
I left that marriage an almost immediately became involved with a man that was to be my second husband. He was a full-blown alcholic. He drank daily. This was a very painful experience. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was introduced to Al-Anon. Although I didn't develop any consistency in attending Al-Anon, I would go back when things got crazy. I must have grown more that I was aware because my husband lost control and divorced me. That was 20 years ago.
I was introduced to my first CODA meeting this week where they talked about abandonment issues. I was floored that this could have caused all my problems! I have to admit to myself that yes, I suffered abandonment as my parents just didn't have anything to offer me. Never was I told they were proud of me or that they loved me. My mother was always preoccupied with her job and what my dad was doing (gambling primarily). I am stunned that I have been in such denial about my early years as a child. Although my father has passed, I have spent my entire adult life trying to gain the approval of my mother and make her happy. I just didn't realize it. What an awakening this has been for me.
I am eager to find recovery and release from this misery. I will be 65 this year. I have made a promise to myself to find happiness with myself. I just have to learn to love me.